The £35 feather duster at the centre of the scandal
BBC revelation exposes a tale of cobwebs, economic mismanagement and racist cleaners at the heart of UKIP central office
The BBC, that bastion of fair and impartial reporting the world over, today published a devastating article revealing the depth of corruption, sexism, racism and economic mis-management at the heart of the UK Independence Party.
After going through the rubbish bins at the party’s Newton Abbot headquarters in Devon an undercover BBC journalist, who can’t be named without breaching their own impartiality guidelines, turned up an invoice for some feather dusters which had been purchased for an exorbitant £35 from John Lewis. Apparently, UKIP could have gotten the same posh dusters for a steal from Barry’s Barmy Bargains market stall in Camden Town, for 49p a pop.
“It’s a scandal,” said reporter Jazmin Lawro. “And just another example of the disgusting profligacy that runs from top to bottom of this neo-fascist party. It’s nothing less than a disgraceful abuse of public funding, that’s what it is. It shows they’re not fit to hold office.”
When a UKIP spokesman confirmed that the money used to pay for the feather dusters wasn’t in fact public funds, but had been paid for by donations from UKIP supporters, Lawro was unrepentant. “You would say that wouldn’t you, you evil right-wing trash.”
The BBC investigation also revealed that a cat burglar (who also can’t be named due to BBC ‘impartiality’ guidelines) had broken into UKIP headquarters on Sunday night and after running his finger over several window sills and book shelves, discovered a cobweb behind a radiator in the women’s toilets.
“Absolutely disgusting,” screamed Lawro. “I mean, he didn’t find any cobwebs in the MEN’S toilets, did he? How sexist can you get! And another thing, we tapped Farage’s mobile and discovered the cleaner was an English lady from Finsbury. Can you believe that? English? What’s wrong with Polish cleaners, or Libyans? Aren’t they good enough to clean UKIP’s toilets? If ever you needed evidence of what a deeply sexist, racist party they are, here it is,” she said, holding up the feather duster invoice.
“UKIP need to come clean on this. People need to know what kind of fascist scum they’re voting for. Wait till I get home tonight, I’m going to tweet the shit out of that white, male, middle-aged little Englander’s ass. What? I’m not allowed to do that as a BBC reporter? Who says? Oh. All right. Scrub that then, I never said it. I’ll get on the blower to Evan Davis or Andy Marr, get them to invite Farage onto their show to talk about politics or some bollocks, then they can drop bombs on him about the feather duster scandal and racist cleaner, and kick the shit out of him. I mean, what the fuck are UKIP still doing around anyway? We thought Farage was supposed to disappear into the wilderness after the unrelenting campaign we waged to undermine him during the general election. Can’t he just bugger off and let the BBC get on with indoctrinating the thick UK public on the benefits of political correctness and a socialist European super-state? For fuck’s sake.”
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