Cash Crisis

Cash Crisis

A girl walked up to the cashpoint

Those of you who read my books will know that I fall in love every day, and have done ever since puberty. Hopelessly, all-consumingly in love. The kind of love where you’re walking along minding your own business and wham, beauty comes out of nowhere and smacks you in the kisser. It could be a beautiful pair of eyes. It often is. Or a heart-breaking smile. It could just as easily be a swan-like neck or pair of shoulders, or a set of ankles only god or Rodin could have put on a woman. Or, in the case of today, a traffic-stopping body in a clingy dress. Here’s what happened to me when I took a walk into town at lunchtime and fell catastrophically in love with a girl I saw at the Sainsbury’s cashpoint, who I never saw before in my life, never spoke to, and will more than likely never see again for the rest of my born days. She exited my existence as abruptly as she entered, blazing incandescently for those few brief moments in my life. I don’t think I even glimpsed her face. All I saw was her ass, and I was gone. Mesmerised, like a gawping zombie. I fell in love with an ass. By the time I’d walked back to work I’d written this poem about her. It. Here it is.

Cash crisis

I walked into town at lunchtime

For a bit of exercise

As I passed by Sainsbury’s

A girl walked up to the cashpoint

She had this amazing figure

Packed into a tight clingy dress

That gathered at her knees

All whomping thighs and buttocks and

Heavy calves peeking out underneath

I didn’t need any cash

My wallet was rammed

But I felt myself drawn to the ATM

By her powerful gravitational pull

Like a helpless planet tugged down

Toward the Sun

I stood behind her

For a few brief seconds

Sucking in the air she exhaled

Exchanging invisible atoms

With the electrons her body gave off

Then she withdrew her card

Took her cash

And disappeared into the store

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Every day

Every day - low res

Every day

Every room I have ever walked into

My whole life long

I have fallen in love


Every bar, every restaurant

Just switching on the TV, watching a movie

Walking to the corner shop, everywhere


I did it at the copywriting conference

Last Friday in London

Three times in the same day

There were so many

Good looking women in the room

I could have fallen in love

A dozen times over


It happened to me again today

In the McDonald’s across the road

I popped in for lunch

There was a girl in there

Whose beauty was off the scale

An affront to the laws of physics

That not even Einstein could explain


The kind of beauty

That sends men insane

And makes Big Macs taste like cardboard


I won’t waste time

Trying to describe her

Words would be inadequate

Not even a photo could do her justice

Such beauty can only be experienced


It goes without saying

She was out of my league

Out of my age range

Unless I’d been rich and famous

Which I’m not


What a hell of a trick

Nature plays on us

Instilling these feelings

These wants and desires

Which can never be fulfilled


Five years from now

She’ll probably be in some porn movie

Or wrapped around a lap dancer’s pole

Torturing a whole generation

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Forbidden Fruits

Poem I wrote one lunchtime last week, hopefully self-explanatory.

Forbidden Fruits

Today as I was walking through the city

I was struck by the total hotness

Of the young girls walking up and down

In their late teens, early twenties

The time nature brings it all together

Into a moment of fleeting perfection

Like flowers bursting from buds

So beautiful you almost want to weep


I am old enough to be their father

Maybe even grandfather, shock horror

Does that mean I should feel guilty

About finding them beautiful?

They seemed to me as lovely and life-affirming

As Mendelssohn’s Octet

The first time ever I heard it

Though my hearing has since dimmed

My appreciation of Mendelssohn hasn’t

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